Well nothing big, but I have always wondered why I am so difficult in my head about love and relationships, morbid EMO self, where people love me so deeply, be it lovers or friendships, but I always felt I am in a huge roller coaster when it came to relationships. It is an internal thing, am always surprised when people tell me what I mean to them – a challenging but reliable friend/partner/sister/daughter/soulmate etc. For God sake, do you all even know me, inside me am a fucking drama queen trying to cope with many a demon be it happy ones or sad ones. Everything seemed exaggerated to me, imbalanced, when I loved I loved deeply when I hurt I hurt fucking painfully. Extreme self, which has been a struggle all my adult life I think. So what can it be, my therapist always asks me, there was always something superficial to talk about for years, but nowadays it has been more deeper me that we discuss and I sort of feel I am discovering myself at least a bit. Perhaps people have discovered me, but what good is it, if I have not myself. Ache always hinted this to me, discover yourself Vinu, know your own self, we know you, that is not enough, but I never knew how or could.
So here are some things I have felt am aware now which might help you guys as well, see I have been in this earth and crossed the sun, more than most of you readers :-), and thank you for asking me to write this, sorry I am late, I just was not sure if I should do this or not. But here it is – not preaching, just telling you what I learned. I am moved that some of you trust me and open up to me, I hope to never disappoint you, and those who write anonymously that is also fine, I go with my gut feeling, and online random garbage emails I ignore, but I do read all the others. So keep writing, it helps me too to hear you all.
- Most important factor – Am clinically depressed, that is OK, that is a reality, I cannot fit in always, I have to cope and be aware of it, and also have people around who are aware of it and can empathize.
- Am not ambitious, but that is OK, you do not have to be in the rat race of so-called life as you see it, do what you want without being a liability to others or hurting others. I look back at my life as a person and my career, I feel the ride was amazing, holding on to life was worth every bit of it.
- There are no failures – but only learning, I feel.! You broke up or got divorced or do not get a white collar job, or get married or spent more time having fun than doing your degree, big deal. I bet you learned from it and if you haven’t do it now, and rest them. You can always advise others about what you learned and you think it could be done in this way than another, but never preach as though you are the master of failures because life is to be lived not planned by a rule book. The only rules you should have is personal values you aspire to have, try to keep them as much as you can and life should be OK.
- I don’t try to be something – Just be you, no-one has a blown up sense of personal virtue, it is very diminished for all I feel, but what is required is the urge and motivation within yourself to be a good person, to not hurt others, to not hate others, just try to be good(Of course Good is defined by your own personal values you have picked up for you). That is all is required. If you act bad people around will give you that feedback you need, listen, analyze, correct if you feel, and keep going and just be you.
- I have stopped running from problems and people – I have this history of running away from problems, rather than facing it or even understanding it with some rationality. I always blow up small issues, into worst thing in my mind, and run away before even there is a big issue. It is better to resolve and find solutions if you can than run away because most things are mutable including your own self and feelings. Just like how I used to hide under a blanket just before anything gore or painful happens on TV when I am watching something. Pointless! Pointless! Rise and face and analyze and make a good judgment than running away. And trust me it feels so much better to forgive if not forget and to accept the flaws of others and your own self and have loved ones around than pushing people away. 🙂
- I think about the outcome I want when am stuck in negative thoughts. What is it that you want from it? If no decision can come out of it, or good(relative) come out of it, then cut it out, park it, bury it and accept.
- I don’t need a purpose or want to seek truth – the whole idea itself is pseudoscience spiritual nonsense. There is no purpose required, you are not that important, nor need to go after truth, because the truth is not a thing. Live your life before it is late.
Be yourself 🙂 Love Love Love only! Write to me I will respond 🙂 even if it’s not quick I will!.