Swap anger and hurt , for pity

The blog is back public, I was a bit bewildered by by the concerns dear ones had about irrelevant people complaining about what I write, but I think am done with cry babies like that. If you have issues fuck off, or email me and I will clear your doubts for sure. 😉 . Cat and mouse game is boring, better to show balls to ask directly whoever you are, where ever you are. This is not a video game, but life so lets us all be real, shall we? 🙂 Fuck neutrality and spiritual pretense indeed!

Self-help write ups seem quite popular, perhaps we are all so deluded that we are perfect that we never want to think about a lot of stuff about what happens in our lives. We are so flawed, so flawed that life with people who support you makes you support yourself. I have had a fairly good life I think, perhaps a blessed one with people who have made my life more than I made it myself. A few years ago I realized that I do not exist as me but in the minds of others and their perception about me made me work on myself, guide me to be a better person, to outlive the flaws.

It is therapy for me and also for all the people whom I can help. I am glad it makes you think and reflect. I will reply to all the emails one by one that has been pouring in, I can only speak for myself, not for your life, but I can listen and tell you what I think. And I will do since perhaps I have seen more Onam than some of you :-). People who have problems about what I write, considering they read what I write in the first place and complain like cry babies to people who are dear to me, forget that they are making a fool of themselves by trying to be relevant when they are not. I write what I want to write, sometimes emotional reactions, sometimes my introspections and in hindsight, I regret trusting the wrong people, reaching out to wrong people when in crisis, when all they did was pour more oil into the burning fire, perhaps they were broken themselves, rejected and lost. Wounded by their own people perhaps. It all makes sense now, all of it. Life makes much sense in hindsight than when it happens. All we can do is learn and forgive and turn anger into pity. It is liberating, absolutely it is. People are flawed, they will hurt you, you hurt them too, but the intentions and motives once identified make you learn from it. Reflecting on our own intentions and state of mind when we did stupid things are the best way to identify others motives. And you feel liberated and at peace. So make sure you do not spend time brooding over it, but actually learning from it and helping others around you who are vulnerable just like you were many times.

I am not a very wise person, it would be a lie if I claim that, so it was only sheer luck that I escaped manipulations all these 30 odd years, only to succumb to very carefully contrived pretense of friendship and care( well social media has its ugliest face sometimes or most of the times) when I was going through a very confusing phase of my life. The saying by my grandmother which is a general one is, when you are burning, the one who pours water on you might look like they are helping but gives you blisters, one who puts a blanket on you and helps you put out the fire makes you rise up back on your feet with no added scars other than the one from the fire that you were getting burnt by of course.  Remember that good old story of two antelopes fighting and the fox trying to provoke them to fight more so that it can drink the blood that spills. Identify such people, listen to your family and friends who might not smother you with vanity and praises about your poems and blogs but tell you that you are being stupid. Listen and evolve. Once you let go of the hurt and anger and turn that into pity trust me life is much easier 🙂

It took a lot of time and thinking and advice to actually identify the real home-wrecker / manipulator who came into my life from nowhere, without knowing the agenda or back stories, I opened my door to my weakness, my woes.  Again social media has its loop holes. Perhaps the signals were there. The vain stories that get you carried away of someone stalking you every day on facebook and your blog, and they tell you that, the stories about your poems, all the vanity gets you sometimes.  The fact is that all the anger that I felt about betrayal was channeled to people who did not contrive anything. In-fact it was people whom I trusted were manipulating me and my anger was vented out to the wrong person.  With time the real home-wrecker has surfaced till I stand corrected, but it has been a long ordeal of irrelevance and irrelevant people. I regret not listening to my dear ones. I do but what is done is done. I am glad I have finally managed to keep that all away. And I regret and repent for being angry at the wrong people when the elephant was in the room, just there. I have respect for those people who took dignified steps even after my anger and irrationality to let me be and be calm. I guess time has proven that, who wanted malice and who did not.  Strangers who do not know you are fed with stories about you and it is like waging a war against people in social media, but all you can do is let that go. Strangers do not know your version nor you know them. There is no mystical connection between people in this world. It is all real and very real, human relationships.  The fact that one was rejected does not deserve pity, but the fact that one did not take it gracefully, and even could speak ill about one’s own friend let alone online “friends” invite pity.

I am quite scared of compulsive stalkers now! Once it turns into pathological and intrusive, history has shown us how it becomes so unhealthy and hatemongering.  If you are angry with someone, shout scream swear and turn that anger into pity. People have their own share of losses just like us. So have pity and empathy and move on. Trust me that is the best way. People who know you for years and decades will get you because they have seen and felt your core self quite closely. Such bonds will not die, they never die, think back and have a look at such bonds. Real ones that you made, not by social media or texting but real ones. Where you have shared rooms, food, beds, tears, laughter, anger, and mainly your worst flawed self.

I should stop worrying about all these silly things, and if I can’t stop worrying about it, then I need to stop trying to act on my worries because when I do, I prioritize myself too much over others which can push people away because we are all after all flawed human beings. We are not perfect, and should not ever expect perfection or anything close. People will hurt us and say and do hurtful things, they might forget what we did for them and many other things besides. Hence pushing people away, even in our mind, is not a good approach. People exist in our minds just as much as they do in reality and what we do to them in our minds is important because it affects how we act. I am not saying people will not hurt you or you should not be hurt by something, but one needs to control the consequences of being hurt for one’s own benefit and for others.

People are inconsistent, we all are, you, me. Our dependency on what others think about us makes us weak. In my mind, the most straightforward way to deal with these situations is to try and fully appreciate the weakness and failures of other people in the context of all our failures in life. We have to learn and look forward. We need to swap anger and hurt, for pity. Weakness comes from dependence: we are dependent on our dear ones, or the idea of their support and that dependence exists, because we conceive of their support as something we need, but it is not, we don’t need it, we only want people to be kind and respectful, if not they do not need to be in your lives and if it is not easy to stay away, you have to find a way to let that not affect you to have a better life.

It does not mean that the correct course of action is to dispense with dependencies, that is the conclusion that some people draw, but it is false. Healthy dependencies make relationships with friends and family.  But I feel we try to control everything to make the world the way we want it to be, but that is not healthy. Instead, we need to learn how to trust each other and let go of that control.

The point is  –
a) how we conceive of the world?
b) what it is we try to influence?            
c) what it is you think is appropriate for you to influence?

c – is very very important, always think well, take a step back, when people in social media and virtual world gives you advice on your life and relationships and what you should do, if you are vulnerable they will affect you. It is not their place, do not allow mere strangers to take that place.

These things MATTER, they are real, we are real people.  Our self-image is NOT tightly bound to our beliefs about how others think of us, which, it is very important to note, isn’t the same as what others think of us.  It is what we believe about their thoughts. We should be using those beliefs to guide our behavior in order to make ourselves a better person. But instead, we treat them as the measure of who we are and that is not appropriate, because there are too many levels of error. There are errors in what other people think about us and then there is, even more, error in what we think they think about us as individuals. We should be the judge of who we are, whether we are a good person or not, we should not defer it to others. To emphasize – that doesn’t mean we ignore what others think,  it just means that we use it to make your own judgment and sometimes correct ourselves. We can act and pretend to anyone in this world, but we know who we are.

You will not always do the right thing;
you will not always be the best person you can be;
it is worth trying to be the best person you can be;

But it is NOT worth worrying about what we think other people believe about us. We have no control over it. All we have is to learn and be a better person.This whole virtue signaling and dialogues people do in social media and chats are futile. It is easy for people to say they are honest, they care, they are spiritual, they want the best. It is just a facade when they have to speak about it again and again. It is far better to be real and flawed and honest than portray idealistic self. Identify your flaws and compulsive behaviors, break the pattern, and be real, and yourself, be better with every experience life throws at you. And after all life is about people and you know you bring happiness to them just like they do in your life.

2 thoughts on “Swap anger and hurt , for pity

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