Malu jumped out of the bath, she smelled of freesia flowers, her hair all wet and tamed which is so unlike her and her unruly curly hair. She had picked up her favorite bath gel to make a bubble bath today, today was special in a very odd way. The bath was frothing like the wine she had whilst in the bath, her head was heavy not sure because of the snooze or the wine or the weeping. Every sip of that sparkling wine felt long and deep, as though she was drowning in that colorless wine, going under, deeper gasping for breath. Wine is the opium of the broken, is it not? She wondered..
She cannot remember how long she has been snoozing, but she woke up to remember the enchanting dream of the autumn leaves parachuting off the trees in the gushing wind outside her bathroom window. She did not want to wake up as the the trees outside her window were mere skeletons now in the harsh winter this year. Winter is loss, is it not? She wondered..
Malu was shy socially perhaps but she has never been diffident with life, she wanted to run fast, swim against the flow, have people who mean the world to her, it was not a sacrifice, it was what she wanted. Vanquish life with happiness and fight depression that she struggled with all her adult life. But then life was beautiful said the white butterfly, you are special said her loved ones and she has held on for a long time now. A long long time. Time is precious, is it not? She wondered..
She wanted to never wake up from that bath, wanted to drown herself and all the miseries, she was prepared for it, though life kept pulling her back. How she wished to see the shoreline at dusk in that drive in beach which she loved like her own home. The sand, the star fish, the glowing squid that get washed to the shore very rarely, the little baby girls scream in happiness, the gushing waves, the majestic wind upon her curly hair, she missed it all. Obviously seeing the sunset with him, the thought itself was too painful. She had to end this misery, she was all prepared, today is special in a strange way. But this world is strange, is it not? She wondered..
She went to the parlor, well today is special, for a hair do. She wanted to look beautiful today. The hairdresser was her favorite. The lesbian lady Len was her fan and Malu always wanted to book an appointment with her for a hair do and today was the day. The lady was chatty and asked why Malu had a lost look even when she smiled. Malu laughed it off and said she tries to be mysterious by having a staged lost look. Len found that superbly sexy and said so too. It was all very warm and womanly filled with flirtatious subtext of longing. Len was exotic looking with her punk pixie hair, she reminded Malu of Roxxette whom she adored when she was younger. Len was staring longingly at her face, perhaps at her lips, she has always given Malu that look of wanting and desire and how Malu wished she could fall for this woman. But Alas Malus heart was taken, Well whose heart is not? She wondered..
She was a prisoner of her own insecurities, and her heart carried it all beyond limits of the arteries and veins that it was filled with. Malu always felt this contractions in her heart, a heavy lump in her throat after that, where she collapsed into black outs very often. She was sickly as she had a sickly heart full of random emotions she could never contain or rationalize. Len kept talking about how she wishes to get married and what not. She kept Malu interested in time and seconds that passed by. After all today was special, but which day is not? She wondered..
Malu was happy with her hair, the undercut she had made her look very confident and strong. She never thought she would be able to have the trimmer run through her hair shaving off most of her hair locks. The curls she never treasured but all the men did. They loved hiding inside it as though it was their love nest. It was only after that that she started appreciating her curls, till then it was a jungle of disappointment for her just like her skin color. Malu was full of contradictions but then who is not? She wondered…
As long as you are honest about your conflicts and confusions to the right people, it didn’t matter if you are flawed and disturbed, because she realized she was not a person in her own, but she was made of all the people around her who meant the world to her. That is how she discovered that life was about people and only people and death was the only thing which was her own. It was her own her death. An experience that she could capitalize as a whole. Perhaps even a mothers love or a child’s love to a mother would not be this exclusive she felt. Malu was a disturbed person but who is not? She wondered..
She was surprised how calm she was, but when she started writing her thoughts in her diary, she became more and more agitated, she said good bye to the river near her home, to her parents, to her sister her doll, to the white butterflies, to the vellila in the forest near her home, to the bunnies whom she loved long time ago. And to add to the drama, as she always like theatrical flavours of life, she wrote to him, a final good bye. She looked in the mirror and felt rather oddly that she was pretty and she would die pretty. Many a sleeping pills were lined up on the floor, she took them one by one, every gulp of water like the wine she sipped, she went into delirium little by little. Death is her gift, if not.. She wondered..
When she slipped into the deepest of sleep in the ambulance, she saw his face staring at the same spot where Len had stared all through the hair wash and styling. The dejavu was disturbing but Malu was tired and slipping into another world slowly.When she woke up she asked him – what were you staring at so profundly? – All I could do in the ambulance was stare at that mole on your upper lip, which I realized, I would not be able to live without, my most precious one. Malu smiled and thought about Len and went back to sleep. After all death is selfish and cruel for people left behind, but life is beautiful is it not? She smiled…