There was this time, I remember when I was madly obsessed and in love, that I used to see his face in every thing around me. I ardently looked at the sky out of my window or out of the car window to see his face up in the sky, I felt the clouds would transform into his face and smile at me with a twinkle in his eye. I used to touch the tip of my nose whenever I saw him, as a sign as a good omen. The white butterfly would come as a messenger and I would know I will see him. I think my mind wanted to see him hence everything felt like the symbols on a map which would lead to him. I spoke to him whole day and night I remember and even in my dreams. I was telling him about my child hood, about my dance classes, about the poems I wrote, about my diaries, about the long walks I took by the sea, the crazy adventures with my sisters and brothers in the forest, the tree climbing adventures, the swings I loved during Onam and what not. The street plays I liked and wanted to do, the movies I wanted to make. I spoke to him about all that in my mind as he wasn’t there then. I prepared myself to tell him everything I was already telling him in my mind. Like a rehearsal of a grand play. The play of love!
Today I tried to switch off myself and went to bed and my futile attempt to sleep made me speak to myself in my mind. I told myself of all the things I should do this year, the people I should keep away, the things I wanted to write, dance I wanted to perform, the places I wanted to travel to, the hills I wanted to conquer, the rivers I wanted to swim in. I spoke to myself in length in my mind. The infinite mes in me was speaking to each other in my mind and what load of chatter it was indeed. And suddenly I realized and remembered that I used to talk to the man I adored in my mind consciously and unconsciously up into until I met him he was a mystery man in my head. And now I have been speaking to myself for hours, trying to not read or look at my phone but close my eyes and contemplate, well rather hoping to sleep. So there I am, perhaps after a long time, perhaps for the first time in real, I have started loving myself? Perhaps I need to love myself and take care of myself more the way it is healthy? Be with loving and caring people? Whatever it is last three hours have been the creepiest silent hours of my life as far as I can remember. Or maybe I have lost it? 🙂