Run no more

All my life I feel I have been running away from love and reality chasing fantasies and beyond. My life is not a regret as a whole but it had its shares of ups and downs and now that i am wiser and more balanced and on earth I realize that most of the time in my past i have been running away from myself and my reality and my reasons to happiness. I was floating away without a direction or purpose like a feather in the wind. My parents had a healthy happy marriage and i had an almost normal childhood though I had my fair share of loneliness and insecurities. My parents had to struggle to make our lives better and that naturally took my mother away from me most of the time and that left me lonely and alone with babysitters and maids whom I feel had a lot of influence on me during my childhood. That is when I started writing diaries at a very young age and I penned down all my inner conflicts and questions and tried to find my purpose and direction. Maybe I did not find peace with myself and unfortunately somewhere down the line I started running away from my near and dear ones and also myself. It does not mean I do not love them or did not have a peaceful childhood. I am forever indebted for the love and warmth which my family always provides me. It just meant that I drifted off in my own way inside and felt lost and rebellious and above all I was mean to myself and to my life and to the people whom I loved and truly mattered the most.

At every step I was hurting myself and others for no apparent reason whatsoever. I am not trying to wash away my mistakes. I am trying to redeem those moments which I lost and relive the memories and take out all the negative flavors I myself had added to my life. But then I guess every little girl feels lonely as a child and out of place as a teenager and many a times you long for a miracle to take you out of your insecurities. When you are young it is usually dreams about the ultimate lover that would take you away to a far away land of fairies and rainbows and wipe all your tears…someone who is there strong and solid for you. Running away from everything solid complicated my youth…and I let go the very solid foundation of my soul I let go the only solid thing which I was clinging on for strength…drifted away hurting people and breaking hearts… and it took a lot of effort and soul searching within me to make me appreciate my life and what I have in my hand than chasing something beyond everything. Rest of my life will be to cherish those lovely memories I had with few wonderful people whom I came across and to live and love the people who love you and keep you going now.

When I think about my life journey at this very moment I realize with lot of pain and agony that I have always been pushing people away from me or have always been running away from people who truly loved me for weird and wonderful reasons which I still cannot explain or rationalize. But time waits for no man and days lost are forever lost…and my glass is already half empty. Rest of my life I will be striving hard to make my glass full and maybe some day I will be at peace with my life. I have stopped running and chose to walk and live life in a simple and less complicated manner. Everybody out there if you have your running shoes on wait a moment to take a fresh breath and understand that time and failed moments and lost love are gone forever. Walk the journey of life with love and compassion…that is the answer to all your questions and a solid reason to stop running.

Quote: ” Every night I cut out my heart. But in the morning it was full again. ” The english patient.

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